Cherry Lips
by noetherSA
Summary: A trans girl enrolls in Josuke's class, and the Morioh gang combines their powers to help her!
1. Transfer Student

"Mori-mori-mori-mori-mori-oh-cho radiooooo~!" The radio in the Higashikata household crackled to life with the morioh town radio morning show's familiar jingle as Tomoko stormed off to wake her son. "Good morning, Morioh. And what a good morning it is! The late summer heat is finally subsiding, the autumn trees are painting the landscape in brilliant reds and yellows, and your old friend Kai Harada has recovered from the flu-" a muffled sneeze broadcasts over the air. "Well, almost recovered, anyway, ahah. For the first song this morning, we have 'Cherry Lips' by the American band Garbage.* I know I'll have it stuck in my head all day..." A plucky synth riff faded in.

"Josuke!" Tomoko called, knocking on her son's door, "Josuke, you're going to be late. I'm not going to call you again!"

Josuke sat up in bed, eyes bleary and vaguely aware of the massive pool of slobber that had collected on his cheek. He'd been up late the previous night playing Pokemon Gold by the light of his reading lamp. Around 22:00 he'd pledged that he'd call it a night after the next gym, but quickly lost track of time. Before he knew it, it was past midnight. He got a red gyarados** out of it though, so that was cool. At least he had something to brag about to Okuyasu and Koichi.

The chorus of whatever song was playing on the radio blared as he attempted to get his hair into a perfect and cool pompadour. When Josuke finally wrangled his awesome hair into place, he joined his mom for breakfast and quickly wolfed down four sunny side up eggs and toast before leaving for school.

"Be safe!" Tomoko said as he left. "And tell Mr. Hoshida I said hi." she winked.

"Uh, sure thing," Josuke sighed. A grown woman trying to get her son to hook her up was pretty uncool. And anyway, why bother saying "stay safe?" This was Morioh. Since Kira was taken care of, the stream of stand users had all but petered out. Aside from a handful of angry stray animals and his gang, the town was basically stand-free.

Okuyasu was waiting outside his dilapidated house, as usual. When he caught sight of Josuke, he waved furiously and came jogging over. The guy was like a dog, always elated just to be there.

"Hey asshole!" Okuyasu said in his usual loud tone of voice as he clapped Josuke on the back.

"Hey shitbird!" Josuke shot back. "Oh fuck, I got something cool to show you. I was playing pokemon last night and uh," he pulled his gameboy out of his briefcase and powered it on, "I caught a bright red gyarados. I think it might be a glitch or something."

"No fucking way!" Okuyasu sounded like this was a greater shock to him than being shot in the neck by an arrow. "Where'd you get it? I'm still stuck on that cocksucker milta- WHOA THAT IS A BRIGHT RED GYARADOS"

"It's cool, right? She's totally replacing mantine. Way more badass." Josuke turned off the gameboy and stuffed it back in the briefcase. "Have you heard back from that shitheel Rohan about Deerhoof?"***

"Nah, I think it's still out there. Good thing you were there yesterday though. I've never seen a deer gore someone like that."

"Yeah me neither. Although, if I were in deerhoof's place I would've done the same." Josuke mused. He still couldn't believe that Kira's asshat dad had been just taking pot shots at wild animals all summer. What a weirdo.

"Yeah. Fuck Rohan."

"Fuck 'em."

"I still think he's kinda cool," Koichi said.

"Oh shit! Koichi! I didn't notice you come up!" Okuyasu said, his very being quivering in excitement at seeing a Friend.

"Hey Koichi, check this out! I caught a red gyarados last night, it's so fuckin cool" Josuke pulled his gameboy out of his bag again.

"Oh, aren't they? I named mine Asuka."

"You have one too? I thought it was a fluke!" Josuke was disappointed that his attempt to one-up his friends had been shot down.

"Oh yeah. It's scripted, everyone gets it." Koichi noticed Josuke's sudden melancholy and changed the subject. "A-anyway, I heard we have a new student in our class today."

"No shit? We're like halfway done with the trimester already, who's transferring now?" Josuke asked, puzzled.

"I dunno. Toshikazu said he saw some girl and her mom enrolling when he was in the front office the other day. Sounded like she was starting this week," Koichi explained.

"Is she hot?" Okuyasu wondered.

"I mean if she's transferring in the middle of the term, probably. I think that's a rule somewhere," Josuke said, with utmost confidence.

"It sounded like she was from S-City. City girls are usually pretty cute," Koichi said.

The three boys nodded in agreement. City girls were really hot.

They were a good five minutes late to class, as usual. Cool guys always were. Josuke had to lecture Okuyasu and Koichi about it a couple times, but now they had mastered a holding pattern around campus that allowed them to be fashionably late for class even if they arrived at school early. Honestly they probably put more effort into being exactly the right amount of tardy than anything else they did at school, but such was the delinquent life. Nobody said it was easy.

The new girl was across the classroom from Josuke, so he didn't get a good look at her as he took his seat. He could tell she was kinda tall and thin, with a general aura of awkwardness in her posture, but that was about it. She didn't really seem like his type, unfortunately- she'd have to be built more like the volleyball girls for that.

"Good morning, Higashitaka, Nishimura, Hirose," Mr. Hoshida grumbled, "You've saved up enough tardies for another detention, so I hope you didn't have any plans after school." he cleared his throat and consulted a memo briefly. "Uh, anyway, we have a new student starting with us today. Sakuraguchi? Could you come up and introduce yourself to the class?"

The new girl began to stand. Perplexed, Hoshida reread the memo. "You're Sakuraguchi?"

"Uhm. Yeah." She responded sheepishly. Her voice was sort of deep for a girl's, but very smooth.

"Sakuraguchi Ryouta?" he asked again.

"...Yes."

"Uh, well, I'm not sure what kind of prank this is," Hoshida ventured hesitantly, "but you're wearing the wrong uniform. School policy says that's a detention, I'm afraid."

"I understand," she said, the hurt evident in her voice.

"Anyway, come on up, I guess."

She walked up to the blackboard in front of the class and sighed heavily. "I'm Sakuraguchi Ryouta," she said, her voice quivering, "I hope we have a good year together. It's nice to meet you all." she bowed and hurried back to her seat. She looked to be on the verge of tears.

Josuke knew he had to do something to help her.

Notes:

* I know this song didn't come out until like 2002 but it's thematically appropriate, don't spam me!

** Named "Casiopea"

*** A very angry stag who'd been terrorizing locals at the park


	2. Detention

The bell signaling the end of the school day chimed as Josuke packed up his briefcase. He wasn't sure what was going on with the new girl, but he was sure that between he and his friends, there had to be something they could do. He approached her desk cautiously, trying not to startle her, but also trying to look like a cool guy. He tapped the back of her chair to get her attention and she nearly jumped half a foot. He sighed. Being naturally intimidating kind of sucked sometimes.

"Uh, hello," he began, "Getting detention on your first day kinda rules. We were just heading down there too," he motioned to Okuyasu and Koichi, "want us to show you the way?"

The girl's eyes darted around nervously as she avoided eye contact with the group. "Oh! Uh, I think I can probably find it myself? I don't wanna, uh, inconvenience you or anything"

The girl sitting in front of Sakuraguchi turned around in her chair. "I know those guys look kinda scary, but they wouldn't hurt a fly. You're in good hands." she winked at Josuke.

"Hey, shut up. I could fight every fly in Morioh, just watch me!"* Josuke said aloud, and then winked back when he was sure nobody else was watching.

"Sure thing, tough guy," She said as she finished packing.

"Look," Josuke continued, feigning annoyance, "Are you coming with us, or not?"

"I guess so," Sakuraguchi said.

The four of them sulked through the halls. Passing bands of girls on the way out of school stopped to swoon over the boys, who tried to subtly strike cool poses in response. Josuke had a flurry of questions that he wanted to ask this new girl, but couldn't think of a tactful way to ask the-

"Wait, okay, so are you really a boy?" Okuyasu asked, free of the burdens of social anxiety.

Sakuraguchi blushed. "Uh, seems that way?"

"So then why are you wearing the girl's uniform?"

"I-I don't know, I guess I just like it better." she visibly shrunk away from Okuyasu's piercing glare.

"Fucking hell, Okuyasu!" Josuke yelled, "you're scaring the shit out of her!"

"Eat shit, Josuke!" Okuyasu responded in a false rage, "I'm just wondering, you know? Maybe she's like one of those newhalf people or whatever! Like she actually wants to be a girl or something!"

Koichi spoke up. "Is that true? Do you want to be a girl?"

Sakuraguchi stared at her feet. She looked like she wanted to say something, but couldn't bring herself to.

"...You do, huh," Josuke thought for a moment. "Wait, so were you planning on crossdressing every day?"

She paused. "I dunno. Maybe."

"Guess you're gonna be in detention a lot, huh," Okuyasu mused.

"Hey, that just means we'll be great friends in no time!" Koichi said, gently elbowing her.

"Yeah, probably. We're rooting for you to keep it up as long as you can." Josuke winked at her, then realized that they should probably introduce themselves. "Uh, anyway, I'm Higashikata Josuke, but like, you can call me Josuke. That's Nijimura Okuyasu-"

Okuyasu waved to her enthusiastically. "Call me Okuyasu!"

Josuke continued. "- and that's Hirose Koichi."

"Just 'Koichi' is fine"

"Ah, nice to meet you all," Sakuraguchi said, nodding her head at each of the gang. "I'm Sakuraguchi Ryouta... but if you could call me 'Kaori,' that would be good?"

"Sure thing, Kaori," the trio said in unison.

They turned the corner and waved to the teacher checking in detained students. There were a handful that were on rotation, and all of them were all too familiar with Josuke and his gang.

"Yo," Josuke waved to the teacher.

"Hello, boys," the teacher said cordially, marking them off on his roll sheet. He turned to Kaori. "Uh, and you are..?"

"Sakuraguchi."

The teacher stuck his pen in his teeth as he scanned the roster. "Sa...ku... here we go. Sakuraguchi Ryouta? Here for a dress code vio- oh." He bent down close to her and whispered to her. "Wait, did those hooligans put you up to this?"

Kaori shook her head.

"Was this like, a prank or something?" the professor prodded, "You have a boys' uniform too, right?"

She shook her head again.

The teacher ran his fingers through his hair. "Well then, uh, I think the supply office should still be open for a little bit. You can go grab one right now. I won't mark you tardy or anything." Kaori sullenly started back towards the supply office.

Meanwhile, the boys arranged a trio of desks into a triangle. In theory, detained students were supposed to sit down and silently stare at their favorite wall for an hour after school, but in practice, none of the teachers really cared. Besides, they all knew Josuke and his buddies were both entirely harmless compared to some other delinquents at the school, and perfectly determined to commit minor infractions without end. It was sort of hard to be mad at a bunch of affable guys who had, at worst, rearranged the letters on the noticeboard to say something vulgar.

"I think we can help her." Josuke began, "I'm still thinking of how, but like, between all of the stand users in town, one of us has to be able to straight up turn her into a girl."

"Do you think you could do it just with Crazy Diamond?" Koichi volunteered.

"Well, she's not really broken, right? Like I could heal her if she was injured, but she's basically healthy already."

"I GOT IT, JOSUKE!" Okuyasu yelled at the top of his lungs, "YOU GOTTA PUNCH HER IN THE DICK!"

"What?" Josuke was having trouble processing that sentence.

"If you mash her dick into paste, you can reform it into a vagina!" Okuyasu continued, at only the fourth quintile of his max volume.

"That's it! Okuyasu you're a genius!" Koichi said, launching some finger guns at his friend.

"Waitwaitwait," Josuke said, "I can't go around punching girls I've just met in the crotch! Plus, uh," his eyes played the ground, "I've never, like, actually seen a vagina? I can't have Crazy Diamond rebuild something I've never seen in the first place."**

"Josuke! What do you mean you've never seen one? Didn't you and Hikari totally score a couple weeks ago?" Okuyasu asked.

"No, dumbass!" Josuke retorted, "How am I supposed to get laid as long as every wild animal in town fucking descends upon my asshole whenever I'm within dick-length of some poontang?!"

"Hey, hey, calm down," Koichi said, "look, they're not that complicated, it's just like, there's the fleshy part on the outside, then the flappy bits inside that, and like, a really tiny penis at the to-"

"Look, man," Josuke interjected, "even if I _hadn't_ slept through sex ed, I'd still have to have seen one myself for it to come out right. I don't wanna accidentally give her doll crotch because I couldn't visualize it well."

After thinking for a moment, Koichi had another idea. "What if we get Rohan to help? Maybe he could open her up and write in "I was born a girl" and that would fix it."

" _Great_ ," Josuke groaned. "Do we have to, though? I hate fucking with Rohan. This sucks. Rohan sucks." He started absentmindedly fishing around in his briefcase for his gameboy.

"Come on, Josuke!" Okuyasu bellowed, "do you wanna help this girl or not? So what if we have to deal with that scumbag!"

Josuke sighed deeply. "I guess." he pulled his handheld out of his bag and switched it on. "Anyway, Koichi, do you have a Skarmory? I'll trade it for my mantine..."

Notes:

* He did, actually. The stand was called "Animals as Leaders," and they fucking ruined a picnic date he'd been planning for weeks.

** Idk if this is a rule, but one of my idiot friends mentioned this amazing (and NSFW) artistic work, so I guess it at least has precedent in fanon. Also it's funny.


	3. What's a Stand?

Josuke spent most of the next day trying to figure out the logistics of how he was going to get Kaori to visit Rohan. He figured they probably earned a little trust the previous day by being understanding and stuff, but it was going to need to be stretched impossibly thin in order to pull off this plan. For starters, how was he going to convince her to follow three shady-looking dudes she barely knew to Rohan's creepy mansion? That alone would set off red flags in any sane woman's mind. Beyond that, he'd have to explain stands, which barely made sense even to him, and finally, he'd have to convince her that no, really, letting this socially inept shut-in turn you into a book will help you. Fucking hell. Maybe he could convince Rohan to meet them out in the park or something.

Kaori had come to school in her boy's uniform, and Josuke could see that she was intensely uncomfortable. He imagined that being embarrassed in front of the class like that probably made whatever she was feeling internally worse.

When classes ended, he approached her again and tapped the back of her chair. She slumped over playfully and looked up at him. "Hey." she said, a bit listlessly.

"Hey," he replied, "so uh, my buddies and I were talking during detention yesterday, and we think we might have a way to help. Uh, but it's gonna sound pretty bizarre."

"Honestly, I dunno if anything can phase me at this point," Kaori said, "I had some stuff happen on the way home yesterday that you wouldn't believe if I told you."

"Oh yeah?" Josuke asked, intrigued, "Try me. Everyone's seen at least one unbelievable thing in Morioh."

Kaori took a deep breath. "Okay, I guess. So, my house is kinda near the marsh, right? There's this street I've been taking to and from school that cuts straight through it. There's like, really dense brush on both sides, and it's kind of spooky."

Josuke interrupted. "I think I know where you're talking about. Man, you live way out in the boonies, huh?"

"Yeah, it's pretty quiet out there. Anyway, this huge deer walked out of the brush, looking straight up the whole time. It looked like it must've been at least two meters tall. There's a ton of deer around where I used to live, and none of them ever got that big."

 _Deerhoof_ , Josuke thought to himself. The name filled him with a wash of dread.

Kaori continued. "It turned to face me kinda -like it was looking up and stuff still- and then it like, pushed this arrow thing out of its mouth like a sword eater, ducked its head, and charged at me. I guess it must've hit me pretty hard, cuz the next thing I remember is waking up on the pavement and it being dark out. It freaked me the fuck out, but I'm mostly okay, I think? Like I got bruised a bit, and there's this weird hole where it gored me, but I'm not bleeding or pain or anything, so I dunno what to think."

"Kaori," Josuke leaned in close and projected Crazy Diamond into the space next to him. "This might be a long shot, but can you see a pink and blue spirit hovering near us?"

She nodded. "I saw that Okuyasu had something like that too earlier when you two were passing notes. Nobody else was acknowledging it so I didn't want to make a scene by wigging out about it," she said, ending on a nervous laugh, "uh, so what is it? It's kinda freaking me out, honestly."

Josuke sheepishly dissipated the stand. "Er, sorry. Well, It's called a 'stand.' It's like," he paused to think of a suitably cool way to describe the burly technicolor fightboys, "they're a manifestation of a person's inner fighting spirit, I guess? A bunch of people around here have stands, but most people can't see them, so we just don't talk about it around normal people much. Anyway, Okuyasu and Koichi have one, that freaky deer you ran into in the woods has one, and from what it sounds like, you probably have one now, too."

"Really? How do you know?"

"That arrow the deer stabbed you with has the power to give people stands. If you concentrate really hard, you could probably summon it. But hey! All that makes what I was gonna talk to you about a lot easier. Wanna walk home with us?" Josuke gestured towards Okuyasu and Koichi. "I think Okuyasu and I live on the way to your place. Also this is gonna get really personal probably, so I don't want to embarass you in school, y'know?"

"Yeah, okay," Kaori replied, "Honestly I was gonna ask if one of you guys could walk me home anyway. I don't wanna run into that deer again alone."

"Okay, so," Josuke began, as the four of them left the campus, "One of the things with stands is that most of them have their own special power. Like for instance, mine can repair broken stuff and heal wounds, Okuyasu's can remove stuff from the world, and Koichi's can- what _does_ echoes act three do, exactly?"

Koichi shrugged. "It rhymes things? Like it rhymes something with 'three' and then it does it, I guess. Honestly I haven't played around with it much."

"Is that what it does? I only ever remember you weighing stuff down or whatever. I guess it's not too important right now. Anyway, there's a guy we're sorta friends with, I guess," Josuke said the word 'friends' with quite a bit of venom, "who can turn people into books and then write stuff in them that comes true. So we were thinking that if you wanted to, we could ask him to write 'Is a girl' or whatever in you, and then you wouldn't have to deal with being a dude and being miserable." *

"Oh. Huh." Kaori was visibly caught off-guard. "That's wild. Do you think it would work?"

"Well, he knows his stand better than we do, so we'd have to bring it up with him first and all," Josuke explained, "But yeah. Do you think that's something you'd be interested in?"

"It's kind of sudden," She said, "I'm definitely interested, but I'll have to think about it more before I could tell you if I'd want you guys to do that, I guess."

"That's fair. I'll talk with Rohan -that's the book guy- in the meantime and see if it's something that could actually work and stuff. We can keep each other posted." Josuke absolutely did not like the prospect of asking Rohan for a favor, but it had to be done.

Okuyasu spoke up for the first time in a while. "That's it? You were practically in tears about this yesterday, but now you have to think about it? Make up your mind, man!"

"Hey, calm down, dude." Koichi interjected, "If she has to think about it, she has to think about it."

"Whatever dude," Okuyasu said, "I don't get that at all. Like if I met someone who could turn my dad back to normal, I'd agree to it in a heartbeat. Hell, I'd fuckin _make_ them do it. None of this pussy _thinking_ shit!"

"Lay off it, man," Josuke said, as he placed a hand on Okuyasu's shoulder.

"No, I mean, I get where you're coming from," Kaori said, "It's just like, it's such a huge change all at once, y'know? And I wanna make sure I'm mentally prepared for it. Plus, I mean, I'll have to explain stuff to my folks, and idk what the school's gonna do... it's a big commitment. I _know_ that I want to do it, but I need some time to process and stuff."

Okuyasu sighed. "I guess I understand. It's not how I do things, but fuck it. Whatever."

Notes:

* There's obviously a lot to say about whether or not Kaori could be said to have ever been a guy, but Josuke's just some well-meaning jock in the 90's so I'm not gonna sweat the semantics.


	4. You have (1) new message from (scumbag)

20:43

Josuke

hey

1:23

Rohan

Hey.

6:34

Josuke

(1/3) i met this girl in class the other day, and I think we might be able to help her

(2/3) she's like, a crossdresser or w/e and wants to be a regular girl. do you

(3/3) think that you can use heaven's door to do that?

Rohan

(1/3) Nope. Heaven's Door can only do more intangible stuff. I could

(2/3) make everyone see her as a girl, I could make her stop wanting

(3/3) To be a girl... but I couldn't do something that durastic.

7:16

Rohan

Wait. Can't you just punch her until she's "fixed?"

7:20

Rohan

(1/3) Oh man, don't tell me... Is there something stopping you?

(2/3) I got it! You've never seen a girl naked and you don't

(3/3) know what it looks like under there (˵¯͒〰¯͒˵)

Josuke

up yours, dickhead

Rohan

(1/2) HAHAHAHAHA I WAS KIDDING (*^ิ艸^ิ*)

(2/2) IS THAT ACTUALLY IT

11:08

Rohan

(1/2) Okay, I got an idea. Call me whenever you get out of school

(2/2) and I can run it past you.


	5. A Simple and Elegant Solution

"Absolutely not! Fuck you." Josuke yelled into his phone. The gang had met up after school again to work on helping Kaori. They were loitering together outside of the school gates, striking cool poses while leaning against the wall.

"Oh come on," Rohan's voice crackled out of the phone speaker, his calmness only serving to further agitate Josuke. "Look, this is a simple, elegant solution to the problem. It's satisfying from a dramatic perspective too-"

"The fuck does that mean, 'dramatic perspective?'" Josuke cut him off before he could finish the thought, "this isn't your fucking comic book, asshole, I'm not about to let you draw more weird ASCII cats in my brain again because you think it'll be funny."

"Think about poor Kaori," Rohan pleaded, "this vulnerable, _delicate_ young girl is in despair, and to save her, all you need to do is sit still for a minute and let me write in one simple phrase: 'knows everything about female anatomy.' You can even have your friends watch over my shoulder. There's no way for this to go wrong."

Josuke shot Okuyasu an annoyed, tight-lipped glance, hoping for some reassurance. Okuyasu shrugged in response. "...God fucking damn it. Fine. But if I find out you wrote anything else in there, I'll burn your house down again."

"I'd like to see you try, you cocky, stupid chi-" Josuke hung up on him mid-insult.

"Wow," said Kaori, raising an eyebrow, "I thought you said that guy was your friend. Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"We've uh, been through a lot together," Josuke replied, through gritted teeth, "He's not gonna bother you at all, and he knows I could totally kick his ass, so I doubt he'll try anything with me around." Josuke puffed out his chest a little.

"Wait, so what's the plan exactly?" Koichi asked, "Our idea won't work?"

Josuke sighed, "Yeah, I guess not. Rohan's saying that he can use Heaven's Door to teach me about girl parts, and then I can use Crazy Diamond on Kaori. Also he was saying that he could write 'everyone sees Kaori as a girl' in her, and then that would smooth things over with the school and whatever else."

"Kaori, did you make up your mind?" Okuyasu grunted.

"Yeah. I had a long talk with my mom last night. She's known about me for a while now, y'know, and she basically said the same thing you did, that since this is something I've wanted for so long, it was gonna be worth the adjustment," Kaori explained, "And then we hugged and cried a bunch. It was a pretty good talk."

"Fuck yeah." Okuyasu pried himself off the wall. "Then let's get going."

They met Rohan in the WcDonald's that moved in where the Cinderella salon used to be. _Wonald WcDonald was an opportunistic bitch sometimes_ , Josuke reflected. Not a week after Miss Tsuji was murdered, renovations began, and before long, the characteristic yellow swooshes appeared over the storefront. Anyway, like most fast food joints, you couldn't pay someone to care if someone spontaneously turned into a book or grew boobs in the next booth over. That's just how WcDonald's was, man.

The gang piled into a stiff plastic booth in a back corner of the restaurant. The chirping timers going off in the kitchen mixed with the inoffensive pop music being piped in over the intercom to form an aphonic slurry that would probably drive one mad if they listened too closely.

"Okay, so I assume that Josuke probably fucked up conveying the plan to the rest of you, being the oaf he is," Rohan said, pausing to take a sip from his smoothie for emphasis. He made a mildly disgusted face, and continued, "So let's take it from the top."

"Oh for fuck's sake," Josuke interjected, "We're not stupid, I got it when you explained it over the phone. I know how much you love to exposit, Koichi made me read a volume of Pink Dark Boy, and it totally tracks-" *

"Hey, that's my editor's fault, take it up with him!" Rohan shot back, "Ugh! Whatever. Let's just get this over with then."

Rohan hastily sketched Heaven's door in green crayon on a kid's menu and threw it in Josuke's face. Josuke felt the now familiar but deeply uncomfortable sensation of the outer layers of the skin on his face peeling away as they turned into pages and fluttered in the breeze of the air conditioning. Rohan leafed through a couple pages, apparently catching up on local gossip, before scribbling something in. Kaori looked on in awe.

"He's not fucking with me, right?" Josuke asked, turning towards his friends so they could read.

"His handwriting's kinda hard to read," Koichi said, "but I think it's right."

"See? Told you," Rohan said with a smirk. Heaven's door closed the pages of Josuke's face.

As soon as the last page merged back into Josuke's skin, images of breasts and vulva flashed across his mind's eye. Examples of various STD infections manifested next, followed by a cesarean section operation. After what felt like a full semester of sex education classes, Josuke snapped back into reality.

"Aw, fuck," he moaned, slumping back in the booth.

"Oh come on, don't be such a baby," Rohan jeered, "Miss Kaori, are you ready for me to do you now?"

Kaori nodded, visibly nervous, but full of determination. Rohan picked up the menu again and held it out in front of her. Her face spilled open, and again Rohan read through several pages before neatly writing in his next order: everyone understands this person to be a girl. Her face returned to normal, and she inhaled sharply.

"Welp, my work here is done," Rohan said, abruptly getting up from the booth, "You owe me one, Josuke. Well, you owe me at _least_ three, but that's beside the point."

"You're not gonna stick around for the big, dramatically satisfying finale?" Josuke prodded.

"Nope," Rohan tossed his half-finished smoothie in the garbage. "I got a conference call with some some licensing people in half an hour. I think SJ wants to put Pink Dark Boy on some razors or something stupid. See you morons later~"

Josuke tuned to Kaori. "Well, wanna go finish this up? It might be easier in the bathroom. I gotta like, actually punch you for this to work."

Kaori nodded. The rest of the gang awkwardly shuffled out of the booth to let her and Josuke out.

The bathroom was typical for a fast-food place. There were paper towels piled up in the sink for some reason, an abandoned mop and bucket was left in the corner, and a malfunctioning ceiling fan flaccidly turned back and forth. The two of them ducked into the handicap stall.

"Okay, so this is probably gonna be super uncomfortable," Josuke warned, "so be prepared for that, I guess."

"I'll be fine, Josuke," Kaori said, "It's gonna be super worth it anyway."

"Yeah." Josuke materialized Crazy Diamond, and tensed up, ready to start throwing punches. Kaori responded in kind. Then a thought wormed its way into his head and he paused. "Oh, uh, so you're gonna use a different muscle group to hold your pee after this, so be super careful about that."

"Uh, okay, thanks for the heads up."

"And if you take a lot of antibiotics, you might get a yeast infection, because there's bacteria up there that eat the yeast usually and if they die-"

"Yeah okay."

"And if you ever have a kid, make sure to take progestin-only birth control while you're breastfeeding, because otherwise you can like, fuck things up-"

"Josuke!"

"What?"

"Come on and hit me already!" Kaori said, impatiently.

And then Josuke punched Kaori in the dick. **

Notes

* Specifically volume 22, which contains the infamous gambling arc, wherein a be-pompadoured delinquent from PDB's high school challenges him to a game of craps. PDB finds out he's been using the power of the capricious cosmic being Majnun Almas to cheat, and proceeds to blast his chest open with his enchanted demon-slaying combination moog keyboard/automatic shotgun. The arc was received poorly by fans, and during its run, PDB fell to fifth place in reader polls. A pink and dark time for the comic, to be sure.

** Among other places, but mostly the dick


End file.
